FULL!

The title is an inside joke for some of my readers… but it explains how I feel this week!  First, my plate is full as I’m getting ready to leave town early Thursday morning.  But second, it’s just been a good week.  My heart is full.  As I sang “At the Cross” on Sunday, I came across the words that said “O Lord, you’ve searched me–You know my way–Even when I’ve failed You–I know You love me.”

I’m amazed at how God loves me, even though I fail Him time and again.  And trust me, I do fail Him.  Last night, my husband’s mom said to me, “I dont know how you do it all.  And you always have everything organized and together.”  I laughed at her.  I feel like I’ve been losing my mind over the last month and have gone through some things emotionally that I didn’t anticipate.  Challenges that I thought I was immune to.  Come to find out, once again, I’m not immune to anything- but I have help when I come into contact with those challenges.  He made a way for me when He said “It is finished.”

So I sing:

At the cross I bow my knee, where Your blood was shed for me

There’s no greater love than this

You have overcome the grave, Glory fills the highest place

What can separate me now?

FIVE

Ellie is 5 months old today!  Wow… I can hardly believe it.  I am buying size 3 diapers, 6-9 month clothes, and I even bought a WALKER last night!  Well, not really a walker, but a bouncy play-gym thing.  Either way, she is growing so fast.  I think I have the happiest baby that’s ever lived.  She never cries except for when she’s hungry and she sleeps like a champ.  Every other minute of the day, it seems, she is laughing.

I.O.N…. I have raised about 25% of the money I need to do my album.  I’m going to wait to start it because I want to be able to pay it in full when it’s time, so hopefully I’ll be able to get some bookings and get the money raised.  If your church would like to have me come and sing, please contact me at leahogletree@bellsouth.net for information.  You can also visit myspace at www.myspace.com/leahogletree to hear me sing.

Hope you all had a great Labor Day and that you have a wonderful rest of the week!

Gooooooooooo Dawgs, Sic ‘Em!

Edited to say we won 45/21.

Here’s to my Dawgs! We’re ranked number 1 and we’re lockin’ up with Georgia Southern tomorrow at 12:30! Josh and I will be heading to Athens early in the morning to cheer them on.

Woo hoo! College Football has begun!

P.S.- A “shout out” to my friend, BC, who has recently become my 5th reader.  He’s in Africa (check out the link to his page on the right) and he’s a Dawgs fan.  He is also serving in the Peace Corps and could always use some money, so send him some.

As Promised…

I remember very vividly the morning that the NICU doctor called and said we needed to come as soon as possible.  We were staying with my parents because I’d only been out of the hospital for 2 days.  Josh was leaving for work, so it was about 7:15am.  They called his cell phone, talked to him, and then he said, “ok, I’m going to let you tell my wife what you just said.”  He handed me the phone and the doctor talked to me about some details that I don’t remember, and after he said goodbye and I said goodbye, I heard him say to one of the nurses, “She doesn’t get it.”

Oh, I got it.  The dream that I’d had since I was a little girl carrying my baby everywhere I went was now crashing all around me.  I could see it shattering, yet I couldn’t feel any of it.  In fact, I had not felt much of anything except absolute gripping fear since I woke up in the hospital the preceding Thursday.  Fear that honestly made me wish that I had not even made it through.  Fear that made me contemplate taking one too many pain pills… or 5.

As I turned around and walked in to wake my parents and ask them to go with us, and Josh headed up the stairs for a quick shower, all my strength failed me.  I remember falling in to their bed and crying, “We need to go now.”  Someone helped me up the stairs and quietly helped me get some clothes on.  I wore a white golf shirt and khaki capris.

It felt like it took an eternity to get to the hospital that morning.  By the time we got there, I think Josh’s Mom and Step-Mom were getting there.  I knew this was the last time I’d visit that room because I saw that they had moved Abby’s roommate to another area and put up a privacy screen.  They had no limit on how many people could be in the NICU with us that morning, and the incubator was open.

Tina, our precious nurse that spent so much time with Abby, explained to me that Abby had emphysema.  Small holes had formed in the tissue of her lungs because there was no elasticity in the tissue (from being premature).  We knew this was the case and as the ventilator expanded the lungs and then allowed them to retract, there was a possibility of damage.  They switched her back and forth from a conventional vent to an oscillator, which kept a constant stream of air puffing into the lungs.  She would do well on one for a while and then they’d have to switch her and she’d do well on it, and so on.

The NICU staff basically told us we’d have to make a decision to take her off life support.  Neither Josh nor I were prepared for that.  We weren’t prepared for any of it, but at least we thought if she died she would do it on her own.  So we sat there.  For a long time.  We held hands and touched our precious angel while parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents watched from behind us.  Finally, I said, “if she’s going to die I’m going to hold her.”  The only contact we’d been able to make with her prior to that day was to touch her tiny hand through the holes in the incubator.  That day, the incubator was open, and we were able to keep our hands on her, touch her head and hands and feet.  About the time I said that, her sats started to improve and the nurses all perked up.  One of the girls said, “she’s pretty stable, so let’s not move her just yet.  If she starts to go down hill again, we’ll get her out and let you hold her.”

By this time we’d been in that room for about 3 hours.  I had a horrible headache and was feeling sick, so we decided to take a break for a minute and walk downstairs for a drink.  Before we could complete our order, Josh’s cell phone was ringing from the NICU.  We went straight back upstairs and when I walked in, they were taking her out of the incubator.  They handed her to me and I sat there in amazement.  She was TINY.  I mean, I had seen her, but holding her made it even more amazing.  One pound, Three ounces, 11 inches long.  Yet every inch was perfectly formed- he fingers, toes, little nose and beautiful lips… I guess I was in denial and asked how long it would be before she passed, and the nurse said, “as soon as we turn off the vent.  She’s already gone- her brain has no activity.”  By then, there wasn’t really a decision to make, and the nurses started taking her wires and tubes out.  I held her the whole time, with Josh’s hands on mine.  Many people in that room prayed, they kissed her head, my Dad laid his hands on her and dedicated her to the Lord, and Josh and I quietly sat there and just looked.

Suddenly, Josh said, “baby, sing to her.”  I shook my head, but at the same time, I started to sing, “Jesus loves me this I know…”  The vent stopped and so did the heaving of her tiny chest, and we all just sat there.

There really is peace in knowing Jesus.  There were (are) many times that I still get angry.  Not so much at God, but at the whole plan.  The forbidden fruit, the curse of sin, the price of carnality.  You see, I believe that God doesn’t make bad things happen to people most of the time.  He just allows it to happen as consequences to our choices.  I can’t really think of a better plan, though, so I just have to accept it.  And the peace that comes from the Holy Spirit is absolutely out of this world.  It doesn’t make the pain go away, but it places a hope within your sorrow that you cannot know unless you’ve experienced it.

It may sound strange, but I cherish the memories I have of that day.  They were real and though they seemed to be the worst possible outcome, I believe I saw the very best of myself that day.  I saw my husband’s unbelievable courage as we comforted one another.  And I saw others put away differences and share sorrow in a very vulnerable and intimate way. 

I hope this wasn’t too tough on any of my readers (all 4 of you).  This may also sound crazy, but when you don’t think through the bad times, they tend to get hazy.  I don’t want them to get hazy because I don’t ever want to forget a single moment of that 10-day ordeal.  I hate that this had to happen, but I’m proud of it at the same time.  I am proud to say my daughter fought all odds for 6 days, that God helped us and was very near to us during all this, and I’m proud to say we made it through the aftermath.

I’m Going to Hollywood!

No golden ticket for me, unless you count my e-ticket for US Airways, but I’m going just the same.  I’ll be leaving on Sept. 11 and returning on Sept. 15.  I’m heading out to see some extended family and try to make some things happen in the music world.  I have some “peeps” with “connections,” so we’re gonna “do lunch” and see what will come of it.

I’m excited about going because I’ve never been.  I definitely want to go do all the touristy stuff, but I also want to roll with the big dogs.  Josh’s cousin and her husband live there and he’s an actor- check him out here.  It should be fun.

In the meantime, I’m raising money for my very first solo project!  I talked with the 2 producers that want to work with me on Monday.  They’re both great, but just because they want to work with me doesn’t mean they’re footing the bill… I am.  It’s quite daunting when you hear the numbers and I know I don’t have the kind of money necessary to make this happen, but hopefully enough people believe in me and want to invest.  I’d like to get my project completed by Christmas.  If you want to hear me sing, go here.  I am working on a couple of new tracks to add to the site, so check back in another week for more music.  If you’re interested in helping me out with my CD fund, leave a comment with your email address or email me at leahogletree@bellsouth.net. 

Wish me luck!

A great day for a… SCAM?

Recently I’ve become aware of a major “scam” that has been all the buzz in the world of Christian Music- more specifically in Praise & Worship.  The song, “Healer” was written and recorded first by Planetshakers in Adelaide, AU.  It was written by a man whose testimony was that he had stage 3 cancer and it was terminal.  When he heard the news, he went home and wrote this song.  Apparently, he is NOT ill.  This is only scratching the surface of this bizarre story, but you can read more about it here.

Many people are giving their reactions over the blogosphere, so I wanted to give my two cents.  We sang this song Sunday, just after “Jesus Paid It All,” and I feel it was an integral part of a sovreign move of the Holy Spirit in our church.  Not until after the service had ended did our youth pastor tell me the story of the “scam.”  I refer to it as a scam only because that’s what most people are calling it.  I really believe that it’s just a “lie.”  However, I understand the term scam because many people feel betrayed by the entire ordeal.

I just want to say that I don’t believe I’ll stop using the song.  I think it displays an awesome truth about God- He is still our Healer, our Portion, nothing is impossible for Him, and He is (should be) our every moment- no matter what the writer does.  I don’t mean that it doesn’t matter how people live their lives, but I believe that the anointing that is on this song is not because of the writer, but because of the awesomeness of God.

I believe that this man should repay every cent he’s received from people for his medical bills and rehabilitation.  And I don’t know how I feel about the royalties he’s received from the song- it became hugely popular because of the story behind it, but who knows whether or not the song would have become so popular and earned so much money if it weren’t for that story.  It might have.

This serves as a grave reminder that Christians are subject to temptation and failure- even Christian leaders.  I don’t understand what was going through this guy’s head other than an obvious shame for the sins in his life.  I hope he can be restored to his faith and to God and that he will put these sins in the redemptive hands of a Healing God.  Then he can sing without a doubt, that “Nothing is impossible” for our God.  He will be truly healed.

It’s been a month.

Actually, it’s been over a month, but who’s counting? Another “confession” as my title for this post… “Forgive me for I have sinned, it’s been 39 days since my last confession…”    I spend a lot of time confessing lately.

Anyway, life has a way of keeping us too busy, doesn’t it?  In the last month, we’ve taken Ellie on her first beach trip, survived a brief stint of Josh being out of work due to an injury, and planned a trip to LA.  Here’s a picture of Ellie at the beach!

I guess the waves put her to sleep!

I have decided to change the name of my blog because since I made it through the pregnancy, I will be writing about lots of different things, not just having babies.  I plan on writing a bit about my job as a worship leader, my work, being a mom, being a wife, being a Christian, etc.  I can’t promise that it will contain ALL profound thinking, but it may contain some.  HA!

For those of you who tell me you miss my blogging, comment my page!

Stay tuned…

Confession.

I’ve been keeping up with Nate & Tricia and I was thinking last night about his blog. He calls it “Confessions of a CF Husband.” He has blogged at least once daily since i started reading in January, and sometimes 3,4,5 times a day. I have no idea how he finds time to do it, but I admire him for it. He keeps us all updated on the news in his life (and boy, has he had news to report!). I was thinking about how nice it is to be able to confess things. At least for me, a blog is a good way to do it because you never really have to deal with anyone’s reaction to what you’re “confessing.” I usually don’t confess anything earth-shattering in public anyway, just to God and maybe my husband… But my blog has been a good avenue for me. Since I had Abby, though, I almost feel like I can’t really talk about my feelings because they’re all whacked up. If I talk about being sad, I get a bunch of “aww, I’m praying for you”s and stuff like that. That’s ok, except I don’t want people to think I’m trying to tell a sad story to get sympathy.

In Nathan’s latest series of blogs, “Confessions of a Preemie Parent,” he clearly says that to some it may sound like a sob story, but that it’s just telling the story so that people may get a better understanding of what they went through.

I’m planning to post some blogs about Abby soon. I’ve come to a place lately where I feel like I have to talk about her and what we went through. I have not talked about it much since I found out I was pregnant with Ellie. I don’t know why- I guess part of it was fear and dealing with tough emotions that I wasn’t ready to process.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I’ll be doing some confessing of my own in the next couple of weeks. And it’s not for sympathy- it’s for cleansing of the soul. It’s so you can hear candidly what people in our situation may be feeling and experiencing. So you can know how to support people when they can’t tell you what they need. So you can be the encouragement for them and say the right things.

And so you’ll remember Abby.

Schwans vs. Wal Mart

So the other day in my bright mind, I was thinking, “gee- I never have time to go grocery shopping.  Maybe I could check into home delivery?”

So today, I went online to look at Schwans.  The deliver every 2 weeks and all the food is fresh-frozen.  A friend of mine uses them and she loves them.  I knew I was in trouble, though, when the front page said:  “SPECIAL!  8 Sausage links- $9.99!”  Needless to say, the nail in the coffin was when I saw that 6 bone-in porkchops were $19.99.  I’ll just take Wal Mart, thank you.

On that note, I have a terrible time figuring out what to cook every night!  Does anyone have any suggestions on how to choose a menu?  I’m a picky eater and unfortunately I love my carbs.  Josh loves veggies and red meat.  HELP.  I’m the kind of person that plans meals for each night of the week, then I make a list of exactly what i need before I go to the grocery store.  Otherwise, I’ll have $200 in groceries and not a thing to cook.

I know this is a weird post, but I just felt like it.

My Husband

I just wanted to give a “shout out” to my husband.  He doesn’t read this, and frankly, he probably couldn’t find it if he even knows I have it.  But I wanted to thank him for being so good.  I had a rough afternoon yesterday and he consoled me, defended me, then helped me cook and clean the house.  We work together well and I love him very much.  He is truly my best friend.  Thank you, baby.