I’ll try to gather my thoughts about birthdays so I can post tomorrow.

Ellie stays sick all the time.  Once every 2-3 weeks, she starts running a high fever with virtually no other symptoms save a runny nose or a stuffy nose.  I’m spending beaucoups dough on doctor’s visits.  And my pediatrician tells me “it’s completely normal for children to be sick all the time.”

It’s crazy, though, because I have a lot of friends who have kids and they don’t go to the doctor every 2-3 weeks.  And I’m not talking about a low-grade fever, either.  We’re talking 103-104, sometimes 105. 

Any suggestions?

I only like cold weather until New Year’s Eve.  On New Year’s Day, I believe that spring should start, complete with temps in the low 60′s which creep up one degree each day until it hits 72 and stay there until May 1.  On May 1, it can start creeping slowly to 78, then on June 1, Summer begins. 

I love what is happening at Believer’s Fellowship.

My friends are trying to talk me into Twitter.  I’m not sold yet.  I have a facebook account and a Music page.  I have a blog.  Do I need Twitter?  I also keep getting requests to join “yammer” at work.  Uh, no.  Thanks.

I bought a macbook in November, and I have yet to get all my iTunes music moved from my PC to my mac.  I think a trip to the Apple store is inevitable. 

I want my friends to have some babies.  Aubrey, Rebekah?  Can you guys get on that- stat?

Gray’s Anatomy starts back on Thursday and I don’t know who’s more excited, me or Ellie!

Ellie is SO big.  She’ll be 3 in April and is super funny and as big as some of her 4- and 5-year old friends!

Gungor is really good.  Check it.

I heard that Ze End of Ze World is happening on May 21.  I hope other people heard it too, because there’s not enough time to reach everyone personally.

On a more serious note, I’m excited about what 2011 holds.  I feel a stirring in my Spirit that God is bringing revival to America and we are going to see a great outpouring of the Holy Spirit this year.  Exciting things are happening at Believer’s Fellowship and we are seeing the Lord move. 

It’s an easy thing to say we should put away the past, but it’s far more difficult to actually do.  The past shapes who we are today, so sometimes I think pretending like we don’t remember is the same as forgetting where we came from.  But if we can use a God-filter to look back, we can remember where we came from without feeling regret, fear, sadness, and bitterness, knowing that a loving God carried us through- and will continue to do so until Ze End of Ze World.

Psalms 126:

It seemed like a dream, too good to be true, when God returned Zion’s exiles.  We laughed, we sang, we couldn’t believe our good fortune.  We were the talk of the nations- “God was wonderful to them!”  God was wonderful to us; we are one happy people.  And now, God, do it again- bring rains to our drought-stricken lives, so those who planted their crops in despair will shout hurrahs at the harvest, so those who went off with heavy hearts will come home laughing, with armloads of blessings!

Well, I made it through last week.  I know that sounds really over-dramatic!  But it was actually a pretty rough week for me.  Three years ago, Abigail was born on May 2.  She passed away on May 8.  So the time around Mother’s Day is always a bit emotional for me!  And then this year, I’m in recovery from a divorce and from surgery removing a tumor from my breast.  So I had a couple of rough days last week!

I hate the way that we always feel so alone in times of weakness or trials.  Because if we all take the emotion out of the equation and look at life with logic, we know that there are SO MANY PEOPLE who have been through or are going through exactly the same thing that we are going through!  Yet, when we’re in the middle of the storm, it’s like the wind rages around us to the point that we can’t hear or see all the other people flying in the winds of the storm with us.

Yesterday, my Dad preached the house down.  I mean, he BROUGHT it. And God really convicted my heart.  I have felt depressed and lonely and like no one understood me for about 3 years now (ha- how’s that for wallowing in your own despair?)… but the scripture that Dad focused on was no Mother’s Day scripture at all.  It was good for the goose AND the gander!  (I Samuel 7)

1. So the men of Kiriath Jearim came and took up the ark of the Lord. They took it to Abinadab’s house on the hill and consecrated Eleazar his son to guard the ark of the Lord.

2. It was a long time, twenty years in all, that the ark remained at Kiriath Jearim, and all the people of Israel mourned and sought after the Lord.

3. And Samuel said to the whole house of Israel, “If you are returning to the LORD with all your hearts, then rid yourselves of the foreign gods and the Ashtoreths and commit yourselves to the LORD and serve him only, and he will deliver you out of the hand of the Philistines.”

4. So the Israelites put away their Baals and Ashtoreths, and served the LORD only.

5. Then Samuel said, “Assemble all Israel at Mizpah and I will intercede with the LORD for you.”

6. When they had assembled at Mizpah, they drew water and poured it out before the Lord. On that day they fasted and there they confessed, “We have sinned against the Lord.” And Samuel was leader of Israel at Mizpah.

7. When the Philistines heard that Israel had assembled at Mizpah, the rulers of the Philistines came up to attack them. And when the Israelites heard of it, they were afraid because of the Philistines.

8. They said to Samuel, “Do not stop crying out to the LORD our God for us, that he may rescue us from the hand of the Philistines.”

9. Then Samuel took a suckling lamb and offered it up as a whole burnt offering to the Lord. He cried out to the LORD on Israel’s behalf, and the LORD answered him.

10. While Samuel was sacrificing the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to engage Israel in battle. But that day the LORD thundered with loud thunder against the Philistines and threw them into such a panic that they were routed before the Israelites.

11. The men of Israel rushed out of Mizpah and pursued the Philistines, slaughtering them along the way to a point below Beth Car.

12. Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far has the LORD helped us.”

13. So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again. Throughout Samuel’s lifetime, the hand of the LORD was against the Philistines.

14. The towns from Ekron to Gath that the Philistines had captured from Israel were restored to her, and Israel delivered the neighboring territory from the power of the Philistines. And there was peace between Israel and the Amorites.

15. Samuel continued as judge over Israel all the days of his life.

16. From year to year he went on a circuit from Bethel to Gilgal to Mizpah, judging Israel in all those places.

17. But he always went back to Ramah, where his home was, and there he also judged Israel. And he built an altar there to the Lord.

Now, my delivery is NOT that of my father’s.  The delivery of his message yesterday was unparalleled!  But in this passage, the Israelites were facing serious odds- the Philistines were bigger and better by all of men’s accounts.  But Samuel was God’s man- a chosen judge- and he agreed to make intercession for them.  Because of his faithfulness and their obedience, GOD confused the army of the Philistines!  Hear me, GOD HIMSELF (v.10). He didn’t have anyone step in on His behalf, HE threw the Philistines into such a panic that they defeated themselves, then the Israelites went out and finished the job!

I love that part of the story, but the part that really hit me was here (v.12): Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, “Thus far has the LORD helped us.”

I look back at the last three years and sometimes wonder how I didn’t lose my mind.  Death, disappointment, chaos, strife, brokenness, confusion… all the things that Satan uses to pull us away from the Helper.  But yesterday,  I set up a stone.  SO FAR, God has sustained me.  No matter what the past looked like, God has sustained me.  God himself has protected me.  And I’m going to set up a stone and name it Ebenezer, because God has helped me. 

And Samuel remained a judge until he died, and he went all over the territory judging, but:

(v.17)  But he always went back to Ramah, where his home was, and there he also judged Israel. And he built an altar there to the Lord.

Has God done anything for you?  Was he late for an appointment?  Never for me.  I have built an altar of worship in my heart because SO FAR, God has helped me.

If you want to hear my Dad preach it, just let me know.  I’ll get you the dl.

It’s a funny thing: my life has been completely upside down for the last 8 months and I don’t need closure.  I’m so dang tired of the way life is that jumping off a bridge wouldn’t give me enough closure!  I think the problem is that it’s very scary to shut the door on the past.  It’s difficult to burn bridges.  There’s always a chance that walking away may be the final nail in the coffin, and how do you really know that you want to bury that coffin?

Well, in my case, I’ve waited and waited and waited to seal the coffin and bury it, and now it’s starting to really stink.  I can’t hang on to the past anymore.  It’s not even that I wanted the past to be revived, but have been terrified of the future being so vastly different.  But I’ve actually reached a point that what I’ve been hanging on to is so rotten that an unknown future has to be better.

Some of you don’t know me and you have no idea what I’m rambling about… some of you may know me well and still have no idea what I’m rambling about! Ha!  Oh well, this is a diary of sorts.  Thanks for reading.  Comments welcome.

I want to break free.  But I honestly don’t know how.

I think I hit that block because the book just dug too deep and never let up.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I loved the ideas about who God is (no, it’s not saying God is a black Aunt-Jemima looking woman, either- try going a little deeper, everyone)- I’m talking about the NATURE of God.  I liked it, but I wish it had been 3 chapters shorter.

Anyway, John Grisham’s law stories have gotten a bit old, too.  So I thought, what the heck… everyone’s falling all over the Twilight series, so…

YEAH.  I love it!  I thought it would be some teeny-bopper, cheesy story about a vampire that hangs upside down to sleep like a bat and says things like, “I vant to suck your blooooooooooooood.”  Not at all.  I could actually imagine the Cullens living down the road from me.  I’m reading New Moon and can’t wait to check out the movie later this fall! (you know, since Robert Pattinson is such a good actor… LOL)

The other thing that I thought I would mention is that I was discussing the books with a friend of mine on Sunday (trying to convince them that Twilight is totally NOT cheesy and stupid, but failing miserably) and we began talking about reading ghost stories as children.  Isn’t it amazing what your mind can remember?  I vaguely recalled a story that I read repeatedly about a little girl and a ghost that she talked with daily who had her same initials, but that was about all I remembered.  I googled “children’s scary stories” and ended up with an entire list of stories that I had forgotten about!  I know Ellie is too small to read or hear ghost stories, but I have a good list for when she starts.

And the book I was trying to find?  “Wait Till Helen Comes” by Mary Downing Hahn.